In college I decided that a day would not go by that I should be content. Should...what a loaded word. I began asking God to stir discontent in me so as not to become too comfortable and therefore let my faith become stagnant. You see, I was convinced that if I rested in the present, my faith would digress into a shlubbish and unintentional mess.
I entered my seminary journey with this idea in mind. In my first spiritual formation class, I voiced my perspective and genuinely thought that if I ever felt content, I wasn't being intentional enough with my faith. Tsk tsk tsk, thou shall never be content.
The couple years I've been in seminary have completely shattered this "conviction." What began as an authentic desire to continue growing and deepening my understanding of God, myself, and this complicated world became a daunting, overwhelming, and exhausting task. My first year in seminary was full of "mirror" moments, when I was presented with a new perspective on my life and the shaping of it. I finally confronted myself in a way that not only allowed me to see, but go to, the places of my being that are dark, lonely, and broken. This work on the self is intentional in the program I am in, and while the pain sometimes run so deep, it has been a journey I will never regret.
I could reflect on so many things I have learned about myself over these past couple years, but one of the most important lessons I have learned is to trust the process. Over and over again our professors remind us of the importance of the process. Living in Minnesota, I have the privilege of experiencing the changes of seasons in all their glory...30 degrees below zero, and 100 degrees above with humidity that I can swim through (as is the case today). As I've learned to trust the process of knowing myself and God better, I've developed a new-found appreciation for winter. Winter is a time of hibernation and rest, and each year I can anticipate the life and excitement that surrounds the warming of spring. As I've learned to trust the process, I've also developed a new-found appreciation for contentment. There is a time for us to hibernate and rest in God's presence...in the present. I need not always look forward in such a way that ceases to reflect on the past and be present in the here and now. Instead, it's okay to...truly trust the process.
Today I am reminded again of the ways in which I can be content with God in the present. This need not mean that I am complacent, lazy, or otherwise unintentional - I can be content with God in the present and also be cognizant of the ways I can grow - but it's important for me to trust the pains, the winter, the process. It's okay to be content.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Exhausted.
Sigh. Heavy sigh. Heaviest sigh ever. I don't know that I have ever been so worn down from school. My brain cannot seem to function at a critical level, and I have two papers standing between me and a week of...well, no school.
When I first began my job, and a month later my master's program, I questioned whether two classes at a time would challenge me enough. In high school I was invincible. Seriously. Somehow I managed to juggle school, work, dance, family, boyfriend, friends, more dance, soccer, student government, orchestra, chamber orchestra, choir, chamber singers, piano lessons, even more dance, homework, and somewhere in there I ate and slept as well. Now I have a full-time job and am taking two classes at a time, and I am feeling exhausted. More than ever before.
So many of my classmates seem to be feeling the same way. I am not usually one to feel stressed or exhausted at the end of an academic term, but something got in the water at school because we all seem to have caught a bug. Whatever it is, I do know that the end is in sight. Though my final two papers (the dang things feel like mountains right now) are not due until Monday, but I leave for a work conference on Saturday. That leaves me a few short days to do the impossible, but my will it feel good to be done. And early at that.
Pressing on. Exhausted, but doing it nonetheless. On to another paper...
Peace,
SC
When I first began my job, and a month later my master's program, I questioned whether two classes at a time would challenge me enough. In high school I was invincible. Seriously. Somehow I managed to juggle school, work, dance, family, boyfriend, friends, more dance, soccer, student government, orchestra, chamber orchestra, choir, chamber singers, piano lessons, even more dance, homework, and somewhere in there I ate and slept as well. Now I have a full-time job and am taking two classes at a time, and I am feeling exhausted. More than ever before.
So many of my classmates seem to be feeling the same way. I am not usually one to feel stressed or exhausted at the end of an academic term, but something got in the water at school because we all seem to have caught a bug. Whatever it is, I do know that the end is in sight. Though my final two papers (the dang things feel like mountains right now) are not due until Monday, but I leave for a work conference on Saturday. That leaves me a few short days to do the impossible, but my will it feel good to be done. And early at that.
Pressing on. Exhausted, but doing it nonetheless. On to another paper...
Peace,
SC
Friday, February 11, 2011
To Be Known
THESE TREES ARE EXPOSED.
THEY ARE HONEST.
THEY CANNOT CONCEAL THEIR WEAKNESSES OR DEFORMITIES.
NO LONGER CAN THE FULLNESS OF THE LEAVES ROUND THEIR JAGGEDNESS OR COVER THEIR TWISTED BRANCHES.
THE HURT THAT HAS BEEN INFLICTED UPON THEM HAS NO PLACE TO HIDE.
THEY STAND AMIDST THE LAVISH GREENS AND BARE THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE…
…AND WHAT THEY ARE NOT.
AND IN THEIR BROKEN AND IMPERFECT VULNERABILITY,
THESE TREES ARE STILL PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A New Year (I know...a little late)
The way I think is like a rock tumbler. Things get thrown in my brain, they get rattled around, banged up, and beat each other to a pulp, and eventually something comes out on the other end. Of course, I'm not usually satisfied with the "polished" results, so often ideas get thrown back into the tumbler for round 2, 3, 4, 5, and so on. Really, every rock finds its way back into the tumbler at some point or another...most of them more than once.
This tumbler of this mind of mine never shuts off, so I find myself constantly "reflecting." Now is the time when many are reflecting on happenings from the past year and setting resolutions for the new. Did I think about these things earlier? Sure. But putting words to my thoughts can't happen when I decide I want words to come. Usually, the words come whenever I feel they are there. Does that resonate with anyone?
That said, I'm finally ready (as if February 9th is SO far behind...come on!) to think back about some of the happenings of 2010. As far as new year's resolutions go, I have to admit I'm a bit of a skeptic. Are there things I want to improve? Always. So why wait until a new year to start? I make resolutions all the stinkin' time. Apparently there is something about having to buy a new calendar that motivates people to change.
Anyway, here are some highlights of 2010:
1. Finished my first year of graduate school (successfully, I might add!). When I started, I knew from the start that I would be looking at a minimum of four years to complete this sucker that is a master's degree. Working full time, taking classes, being a wife, volunteering here and there, and spending time investing in relationships with friends and family all takes some serious time management and not a lot of room for error. I definitely had moments, but overall I think the academic year was a complete success.
2. Ran my first marathon. Yep, I ran the long 26.2 miles from Two Harbors to Canal Park in Duluth, MN. Grandma's Marathon was definitely a highlight for me. I love to run and have always wanted to do a marathon, so I signed up with a friend in the spring of 2010 and began my training. What an amazing experience it was. Maria and I became really close as we spent hours together on our loooooong weekend runs, and I really had a sense of accomplishment crossing that finish line. A couple days before 2010 ended, I signed up for a second marathon. I hope that 2011 will bring a time faster than my last (3:57) at the Minneapolis Marathon in June.
3. Welcomed 2 new nephews and a niece into the world. Need I say more? These little people are such blessings to us. We now have 5 nephews and niece, and we love each of them in amounts that cannot be explained. If our siblings keep having children, we'll be so full of knowledge about kids when we cross that bridge ourselves that our own are bound to be perfect. Just saying...
4. Became nomads. We are three years into our marriage, and we are still figuring out where we fit in the world of the larger church. Over the summer we decided to look for something new, and we've been attending a new church now, but we haven't owned it yet. I don't know that either of us is ready to say that it is where we belong yet, but we're feeling it out as we go. I'm thankful for friends who have journeyed with us as we've asked questions and wondered around what it means to be the people of God.
5. Let others in. One of the most insightful realizations I have had about myself over the past year is how little I let others know me. I am one of those who easily gets to know others but rarely lets others see me for me. I have been more intentional about letting others know me this last year. Sometimes that means exposing some raw and ugly places. Sometimes that simply means telling someone something about me. I have had to ask why I hold back and what prevents me from trusting others with who I am. Exposing who I am has happened in all kinds of ways, and my soul is thankful. I hope this is the start of a new way of doing relationship.
6. Cook/Baker woman in training. The first step in recovering from an addiction is admitting there is a problem. So here is my confession...I have become addicted to recipes. I want to try making anything and everything that has me salivating at its very sight. Why? Well, why not? Our kitchen is tiny, but it has become my laboratory for many a recipe. I've found that cooking and baking are therapeutic. Seriously. Websites, blogs, recipe books and magazines have served as my inspiration, and my husband as my guinea pig. Bless his heart. He says he doesn't mind.
7. Camping. We packed up our four-door sedan and drove north to Two Harbors, MN (for the second time that summer...see #2). We pitched a tent on the shore of Lake Superior and spent four days basking in nothingness. It was our first camping trip alone as a couple, and I must say, it was fantastic. We made big meals over a real campfire, played cards, disconnected ourselves from anything that needs to be plugged in (minus a few very necessary Twins updates), and just enjoyed spending time together. Oh, and one of the best parts? We positioned our tent so we could literally zip the door open and look straight out at the lake. Beautiful? Ooooooh yeah
2010 was a good year. There are a million other things I could write about, but to avoid the whole "million" thing, I'll keep it to seven. Here's to 2011 and the host of highlights it is sure to bring.
This tumbler of this mind of mine never shuts off, so I find myself constantly "reflecting." Now is the time when many are reflecting on happenings from the past year and setting resolutions for the new. Did I think about these things earlier? Sure. But putting words to my thoughts can't happen when I decide I want words to come. Usually, the words come whenever I feel they are there. Does that resonate with anyone?
That said, I'm finally ready (as if February 9th is SO far behind...come on!) to think back about some of the happenings of 2010. As far as new year's resolutions go, I have to admit I'm a bit of a skeptic. Are there things I want to improve? Always. So why wait until a new year to start? I make resolutions all the stinkin' time. Apparently there is something about having to buy a new calendar that motivates people to change.
Anyway, here are some highlights of 2010:
1. Finished my first year of graduate school (successfully, I might add!). When I started, I knew from the start that I would be looking at a minimum of four years to complete this sucker that is a master's degree. Working full time, taking classes, being a wife, volunteering here and there, and spending time investing in relationships with friends and family all takes some serious time management and not a lot of room for error. I definitely had moments, but overall I think the academic year was a complete success.
2. Ran my first marathon. Yep, I ran the long 26.2 miles from Two Harbors to Canal Park in Duluth, MN. Grandma's Marathon was definitely a highlight for me. I love to run and have always wanted to do a marathon, so I signed up with a friend in the spring of 2010 and began my training. What an amazing experience it was. Maria and I became really close as we spent hours together on our loooooong weekend runs, and I really had a sense of accomplishment crossing that finish line. A couple days before 2010 ended, I signed up for a second marathon. I hope that 2011 will bring a time faster than my last (3:57) at the Minneapolis Marathon in June.
3. Welcomed 2 new nephews and a niece into the world. Need I say more? These little people are such blessings to us. We now have 5 nephews and niece, and we love each of them in amounts that cannot be explained. If our siblings keep having children, we'll be so full of knowledge about kids when we cross that bridge ourselves that our own are bound to be perfect. Just saying...
4. Became nomads. We are three years into our marriage, and we are still figuring out where we fit in the world of the larger church. Over the summer we decided to look for something new, and we've been attending a new church now, but we haven't owned it yet. I don't know that either of us is ready to say that it is where we belong yet, but we're feeling it out as we go. I'm thankful for friends who have journeyed with us as we've asked questions and wondered around what it means to be the people of God.
5. Let others in. One of the most insightful realizations I have had about myself over the past year is how little I let others know me. I am one of those who easily gets to know others but rarely lets others see me for me. I have been more intentional about letting others know me this last year. Sometimes that means exposing some raw and ugly places. Sometimes that simply means telling someone something about me. I have had to ask why I hold back and what prevents me from trusting others with who I am. Exposing who I am has happened in all kinds of ways, and my soul is thankful. I hope this is the start of a new way of doing relationship.
6. Cook/Baker woman in training. The first step in recovering from an addiction is admitting there is a problem. So here is my confession...I have become addicted to recipes. I want to try making anything and everything that has me salivating at its very sight. Why? Well, why not? Our kitchen is tiny, but it has become my laboratory for many a recipe. I've found that cooking and baking are therapeutic. Seriously. Websites, blogs, recipe books and magazines have served as my inspiration, and my husband as my guinea pig. Bless his heart. He says he doesn't mind.
7. Camping. We packed up our four-door sedan and drove north to Two Harbors, MN (for the second time that summer...see #2). We pitched a tent on the shore of Lake Superior and spent four days basking in nothingness. It was our first camping trip alone as a couple, and I must say, it was fantastic. We made big meals over a real campfire, played cards, disconnected ourselves from anything that needs to be plugged in (minus a few very necessary Twins updates), and just enjoyed spending time together. Oh, and one of the best parts? We positioned our tent so we could literally zip the door open and look straight out at the lake. Beautiful? Ooooooh yeah
2010 was a good year. There are a million other things I could write about, but to avoid the whole "million" thing, I'll keep it to seven. Here's to 2011 and the host of highlights it is sure to bring.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Blind Spots
In the Marriage and Family Therapy program at Bethel Seminary, we talk incessantly about self awareness and how important it is for one to be aware of presuppositions, biases, and ways of viewing the world to be an effective therapist. Shouldn't we all be challenged to think about these things?
Last fall I entrusted with a few of my classmates a true fear of mine. What if others know me better than myself? Of course, that initially sounds like ludicrous. Certainly we know ourselves better than anyone possibly could, right? I would argue that on some level this is essentially the case. Nobody else can understand exactly how we are feeling, what we are thinking, or the ways we are experiencing the world in which we live.
But where are my blind spots? Where do others have advantages over me in knowing...me? Think about looking at yourself in the mirror. Now think about looking at yourself in a photograph. In both of these instances, you are viewing a reproduced image of yourself. In fact, that is all you have seen of your own face(unless you have had some out of body experience in which you have looked at your physical self as a third party would...but I have yet to meet anyone who has experienced this!). Let's face it...you, and I, have only seen carbon copies of our true selves. I have never seen my face in the exact way you see it, and you have not seen yours the way I see it.
So where am I going with this? Think for a second about that one person who drives your crazy. Perhaps it was a pesky elementary school classmate, a brother or sister, or someone who you encounter on your daily stop at the local corner coffee shop. For a moment, ask yourself whether that person intentionally bothers you (of course, this analogy does fall apart when someone in fact does intentionally bother you...). Most of us would have to humbly admit that no, in fact that person doesn't intend to be a nuisance. And, I might argue, we claim to know something of that person that he or she does not because we possess a perception that the "annoying" person does not.
Where are my blind spots? Where do others have advantages over me in knowing...me? What do people of say of me that I would be shocked to hear? How are these blind spots affecting my relationships with those around me? In what ways are these blind spots negatively affecting others? Conversely, in what ways am I bringing joy to those around me without knowing?
Self awareness is a dynamic journey on which I always hope to venture. As I learn more about myself, I anticipate developing a greater understanding of how who I am affects others. My goal in this journey is to learn enough about who I am that my perception of myself and others' perceptions of me coincide in pseudo-harmony, understanding that I will always have blind spots and there will always be room for growth.
Here's to knowing myself better and understanding that you will always have an advantage over me in knowing me fully.
Last fall I entrusted with a few of my classmates a true fear of mine. What if others know me better than myself? Of course, that initially sounds like ludicrous. Certainly we know ourselves better than anyone possibly could, right? I would argue that on some level this is essentially the case. Nobody else can understand exactly how we are feeling, what we are thinking, or the ways we are experiencing the world in which we live.
But where are my blind spots? Where do others have advantages over me in knowing...me? Think about looking at yourself in the mirror. Now think about looking at yourself in a photograph. In both of these instances, you are viewing a reproduced image of yourself. In fact, that is all you have seen of your own face(unless you have had some out of body experience in which you have looked at your physical self as a third party would...but I have yet to meet anyone who has experienced this!). Let's face it...you, and I, have only seen carbon copies of our true selves. I have never seen my face in the exact way you see it, and you have not seen yours the way I see it.
So where am I going with this? Think for a second about that one person who drives your crazy. Perhaps it was a pesky elementary school classmate, a brother or sister, or someone who you encounter on your daily stop at the local corner coffee shop. For a moment, ask yourself whether that person intentionally bothers you (of course, this analogy does fall apart when someone in fact does intentionally bother you...). Most of us would have to humbly admit that no, in fact that person doesn't intend to be a nuisance. And, I might argue, we claim to know something of that person that he or she does not because we possess a perception that the "annoying" person does not.
Where are my blind spots? Where do others have advantages over me in knowing...me? What do people of say of me that I would be shocked to hear? How are these blind spots affecting my relationships with those around me? In what ways are these blind spots negatively affecting others? Conversely, in what ways am I bringing joy to those around me without knowing?
Self awareness is a dynamic journey on which I always hope to venture. As I learn more about myself, I anticipate developing a greater understanding of how who I am affects others. My goal in this journey is to learn enough about who I am that my perception of myself and others' perceptions of me coincide in pseudo-harmony, understanding that I will always have blind spots and there will always be room for growth.
Here's to knowing myself better and understanding that you will always have an advantage over me in knowing me fully.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Well it has been months since I've updated this thing. Somewhere in between writing papers and reading oodles of books about this, that, and the other thing, this blogging business just didn't make the cut.
Life has been incredibly chaotic recently, and I am ready for things to unwind . School, work, volunteering, family...it all adds up pretty quickly. 5 of the last 6 weekends have been spent away from home, and this weekend the family is coming to us.
I love family time and doing the things we have been doing, but I truly believe we just need time to rest. I sometimes find it difficult to give and give without taking time for my own renewal. I am convinced that God wants rest for us. Constantly we see that Jesus went away and praying and resting. I will have to remember this when I am a therapist. A professor of mine told me that therapists need to take vacations, not as a luxury, but out of necessity for their own sanity. When she said that, I just knew I was going into the right profession...
Off to start another day at work, and then home for the weekend. I hope parts of this weekend will bring rest, relaxation, and some much needed time with my husband.
Until next time...whenever that might be! :)
Life has been incredibly chaotic recently, and I am ready for things to unwind . School, work, volunteering, family...it all adds up pretty quickly. 5 of the last 6 weekends have been spent away from home, and this weekend the family is coming to us.
I love family time and doing the things we have been doing, but I truly believe we just need time to rest. I sometimes find it difficult to give and give without taking time for my own renewal. I am convinced that God wants rest for us. Constantly we see that Jesus went away and praying and resting. I will have to remember this when I am a therapist. A professor of mine told me that therapists need to take vacations, not as a luxury, but out of necessity for their own sanity. When she said that, I just knew I was going into the right profession...
Off to start another day at work, and then home for the weekend. I hope parts of this weekend will bring rest, relaxation, and some much needed time with my husband.
Until next time...whenever that might be! :)
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Haiti
I can't even begin to describe the images I saw as I watched CNN last night. Stories of suffering people in the country of Haiti wrenched at my heart in ways I could not imagine.
An orphanage is without shelter as they watch their only home crumble from the instability caused by Tuesday's earthquake. The children are sleeping on the ground without anything over their heads, and their food and supplies are running low. Word has gotten out that food is present at the orphanage, and the two women overseeing the operation are fearful of the men scaling the walls to try and steal what they have.
The UN has pulled out doctors and nurses and all of their supplies because of fear they will be injured in the chaos. Many who are injured and ill have been left without care and will die if they don't soon receive proper medical attention.
Darwin's theory is proving to be true. Only the strongest are able to obtain parcels of food as they fight their way through the crowds, fighting over any piece of nourishment. What will happen to the weak?
Haitians are confusing packaging dates with expiration dates and are trampling over food they perceive to be bad. These packaged biscuits are high in vitamins and need no refrigeration or preparation; yet they are being thrown away and destroyed because of a reading mistake.
Adoption papers have been lost in the ruins of the fallen government buildings.
Bodies are being bulldozed into fields and dumped from dump trucks into pits without as much as a picture of their faces for identification. Thousands will be buried as if they have simply disappeared. Their families will not have the opportunities to say good-bye to their loved ones.
My heart is grieving for the people of Haiti. We complain about bad days, homework to do, and bills to pay, yet we have roofs over our heads, food in our stomachs, and our loved ones surrounding us. I feel so helpless as I sit here, thousands of miles away, watching the stories unravel on the TV screen before me.
I encourage you to think of the ways you can help from where you are. There is talk of issuing humanitarian visas to the children who are in the adoption process. This would allow them to join their adoptive families overseas, and make room for the many children who were and will be orphaned because of this earthquake. Please support and push for these efforts to lift the orphaned children out of Haiti and into the care of those who can adequately provide it during this time.
If you choose to contribute financially, please ensure that the organization to which your funds will be allocated is a reputable one.
Many of us will have gone to sleep last night without a second thought about the suffering people in Haiti. Many Haitians will have gone to sleep tonight wondering if they will see today. Please remember to keep these people in your prayers, and do what you can to support the relief efforts.
God continues to be good in the midst of the pain and suffering.
An orphanage is without shelter as they watch their only home crumble from the instability caused by Tuesday's earthquake. The children are sleeping on the ground without anything over their heads, and their food and supplies are running low. Word has gotten out that food is present at the orphanage, and the two women overseeing the operation are fearful of the men scaling the walls to try and steal what they have.
The UN has pulled out doctors and nurses and all of their supplies because of fear they will be injured in the chaos. Many who are injured and ill have been left without care and will die if they don't soon receive proper medical attention.
Darwin's theory is proving to be true. Only the strongest are able to obtain parcels of food as they fight their way through the crowds, fighting over any piece of nourishment. What will happen to the weak?
Haitians are confusing packaging dates with expiration dates and are trampling over food they perceive to be bad. These packaged biscuits are high in vitamins and need no refrigeration or preparation; yet they are being thrown away and destroyed because of a reading mistake.
Adoption papers have been lost in the ruins of the fallen government buildings.
Bodies are being bulldozed into fields and dumped from dump trucks into pits without as much as a picture of their faces for identification. Thousands will be buried as if they have simply disappeared. Their families will not have the opportunities to say good-bye to their loved ones.
My heart is grieving for the people of Haiti. We complain about bad days, homework to do, and bills to pay, yet we have roofs over our heads, food in our stomachs, and our loved ones surrounding us. I feel so helpless as I sit here, thousands of miles away, watching the stories unravel on the TV screen before me.
I encourage you to think of the ways you can help from where you are. There is talk of issuing humanitarian visas to the children who are in the adoption process. This would allow them to join their adoptive families overseas, and make room for the many children who were and will be orphaned because of this earthquake. Please support and push for these efforts to lift the orphaned children out of Haiti and into the care of those who can adequately provide it during this time.
If you choose to contribute financially, please ensure that the organization to which your funds will be allocated is a reputable one.
Many of us will have gone to sleep last night without a second thought about the suffering people in Haiti. Many Haitians will have gone to sleep tonight wondering if they will see today. Please remember to keep these people in your prayers, and do what you can to support the relief efforts.
God continues to be good in the midst of the pain and suffering.
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