Difference

Encountering and handling difference is hard work. It requires that we become aware of our own dispositions, acknowledge those of another, and somehow do something with the gap that stands between. Too often this results in tension, division, and segregation of persons and various people groups. At times this is glossed over by paying lip service to "respecting differences," but in practice we continue to keep those who are different at arm's length and huddle and cuddle with those who are like-minded. We do little to truly value the differences in others and instead allow the differences be the very things that divide us, even as we're polite about that division. Other times we're less polite and begin dehumanizing one other, becoming hostile and contentious.

What do we do with this mess?

I have numerous friends, family members, co-workers, and acquaintances whose theological, political, and social positions and values are different than mine. It's important that I (and we) find ways to be in meaningful relationship with one another - not despite our differences, but instead learning to appreciate them. Engaging difference is no small task, but it's important work that cannot be ignored. 

Today I'm feeling discouraged by the ways some people in my life are responding to how I am different. It's  easier for me to deal with the differences in others. Knowing how to respond when someone attacks the differences in me is considerably more challenging. 

Difference pushes us to grow. It pushes us to reconcile. It pushes us to hang on to ourselves when our immediate instinct is to crumble. Today I am working on staying grounded and remaining differentiated as I sort through the emotions of feeling attacked. As I think about the concept of difference more broadly, I will remember that my perspective is unique. Like I cannot truly understand the world view of another, I must remember that nobody sees the world exactly as I do. This is both humbling and encouraging. 

There is grace to be offered both as we seek to love those who are different than us, and as we ourselves  are criticized for being different. Let our engaging in difference be grace- and love-filled.

Rules for Interaction

I'm a student in a marriage and family therapy program that focuses on the self of the therapist. One of the primary thrusts of the program is differentiation of self. Over and over again we are invited to look at and attend to issues within ourselves, know ourselves, and grow as whole persons so that we might better serve our clients. I think it's brilliant.

These are the guidelines we follow in all of our course interactions:

·         Keep breathing and stay in the room.

·         Presume welcome and extend welcome.  Make a place for yourself and others in the conversation – in informal interaction, in small group discussion, and in large group interaction.

·         Refrain from fixing, saving, or setting straight others in the class.

·         When the interaction gets tricky, turn to inquiry rather than advocacy (wonder about something instead of defending something).  Pay attention to the distinction between dialogue (which begins with a question) and debate (which begins with an answer). Make sure your questions are real questions, not ones intended to make a point, demonstrate prior knowledge, or communicate a hidden agenda. 

·         Speak for yourself and own responsibility for your statements.

·         Think of silence as another member of the class.

·         Observe confidentiality, especially regarding material shared by other students.

How would the world look if we all committed to interacting with one another along these guidelines?