Oh those thoughts...they haunt me...

Ask my husband if I'm a deep thinker, and he'll respond with a resounding "Yes!" I often pose rhetorical questions that I want to think about but have no idea how to answer. I'm haunted by the depth and complexity of a life that cannot be explained by simple devices of measurement or textbook definitions. I'm haunted by the pain I feel in my mind when I cannot reach a conclusion about an irreconcilable situation. I'm haunted by questions about God, humanity, life, love, the past, the future...all of it. Why can't I find answers to my questions? Why is there so much ambiguity surrounding my every breath? And why, when I feel I reach some sort of end to my search, am I skeptical and look for more? I'm held captive to my brain which is imprisoned by these haunting thoughts...

I am beginning to realize a deep need to put my thoughts, speculations, and curiosities into writing. Not that I always reach any conclusion by doing so, but in some way it helps me. If I have the liberty to think freely about the questions of life, I also have the liberty to write freely about my thoughts surrounding those questions. Why not exercise my liberty to do so?

And We're Off....

Well, it's been a while since I've written on here. But let's be honest, I haven't been doing too great of a job updating this at all. I really do need to get better about that.

Life is in full swing. I'm back at school and classes are starting up next week. This transition back into the classroom is bittersweet. In some ways I'm thrilled - I thrive on knowledge and love to learn. I can hardly wait as I am taking some challenging but thought-provoking classes this fall. But in some ways I am attempting to dodge the reality that once classes start I am going to be in over my head with things to do. School, soccer, work, and then trying to find time for my husband, family and friends - I love my life and everything in it, but it's a lot to have going on all at one time.

I'm also beginning to stress over my future plans. I am strongly considering the possibility of teaching - something I never allowed myself to see as a ministry - but what area I would like to teach in has become my dilemna. I have two passions: 1) Healthy relationships (my Communication degree) and 2) Learning more about my God (my Biblical and Theological Studies minor). In looking at the possibility of graduate school next year, I have to soon choose one of these two areas to pursue for my graduate studies.

Life - it's getting busy. I was talking to my grandmother a few months ago and was telling her that time just seems to slip away. I was telling her that I keep thinking I'll have time to figure it all out later...when I have "more time"...she said, "Sarah, you're never going to have more time. You have to do what you want to do now." Wise words from a wise woman. So I guess as I look toward the beginning of yet another semester, I just need to dive in!

Joy, Joy, Joy

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Not that I don't think this much all the time, but my thinking has revolved around my future. What does my future hold? In the midst of contemplation about what is to come, I found myself thinking about what has already passed. I had a dream last night about a group of girls who had an enormous impact on who I've become. We shared a lot of laughter and tears in our times together, and the thought of missing them chokes me up. Today I couldn't shake the thought of those girls...how much they meant to me...how much they still mean to me. It was because of my experience with them that I found my passion for serving, my desire to wash the feet of others', my need to let the Lord's love ooze out of my every pore.

At first, I was sad. I was sad because it has been so long since I've been with these girls. I was sad because I know that some of them have strayed from what they know to be right. I was sad because I know that I won't ever again have with them what I did before.

But I then I was joyful. I was overwhelmed with a peace that only comes from my Creator, and I was overflowing with joy! There was a moment when I actually closed my eyes, and in the middle of my quiet office space at work, I sang praises to the Lord.

How wonderful that we can be so deeply touched by those around us. It's easy to forget the ways we are influenced by people from our past, but everything that has happened in my life, up until this very moment, has molded me into me. My today will affect who I am tomorrow. My tomorrow will affect who I am the following day. The chain will continue, with lessons to be learned, laughs to be had, and tears to spill...until the very day I die. So really, it's all but a continuous process of learning who I am and finding the ways God can continue to use me.

I don't know what the future holds. I will never know...from every day there is always an unknown future. But I'm thankful for my yesterdays - even the hard ones - and for the many tomorrows to come.

Choosing to be Thankful

Well, it's that time of the semester. Everything seems to be crashing down with papers, exams and various group projects. It's almost as if all faculty sit down and devise a plan to cause as much chaos in the lives of students as feasibly possible. Now, I know that they don't actually do this. In fact, my professors are trying so very hard to make the end of the semester close with as little difficulty as possible. It's just that time is so....limited. The time that will be required for what needs to get done seems to far surpass the amount of time allowed. Getting stressed is easy, but overcoming the stress seems to be much more difficult. I wonder how on earth I'll get everything done that needs to get done, yet I know that it all will get done...somehow.

The easy thing to do in times like this is complain. We act and talk as if we're the only ones who are stressed out about the end of the semester and all that it entails. False. We're all doing this. We're all writing papers. We're all taking exams. We're all working on group presentations. And while it might not be the most enjoyable time of the semester, we can choose to be thankful. We can be thankful for the opportunity to get an education. I think we forget how fortunate we are to have this window of time to better ourselves and prepare for our futures.

So, in light of all that needs to be done in the next two weeks, I'll continue to press on with an attitude of humility and thankfulness. It's really the only way I'm going to make it through!

A Challenged Faith: I'd Rather Not Get Comfortable

Faith is a difficult thing. Although we often try, it's not something we can put in a box. We like to think we have it all figured out, but unfortunately that's a pretty hefty claim. I like to think that it's easy to "just have faith," but in this postmodern world, that's not always so easy. We tend to want reasons for knowing.

I think back to the days of a small Lutheran church placed smack dab in the middle of the country side. Imagine a little white church with a steeple, a bell outside that is rung before and after the service, and a basement full of old quilting ladies who brought various hotdishes for the potluck, and you can understand the church where I grew up. Everything was predictable. Everything was comfortable. Everything was simple.

But then I moved away. And in my classes I was presented with views that opposed my own. I was challenged with ideas that caused me to lose sleep because I was so uncomfortable with the thought that what I had always known...might not be truth. But how do we know? What about my claim that God is truth, and all truth is God's truth? What about my claim that Jesus is the Son of God, born of a virgin? What about my belief that Jesus died on a cross and actually rose again three days later? And is it okay to challenge these questions in a quest to find what is really true?

I think that God wants this. I think - actually, I believe - He invites us to challenge what we believe. God wants us to take what we "know" and discover what we can know. He wants us to dig, and to chew, and to wrestle with what truth really is so in the end, He can reveal Himself to us in full glory.

The beauty of a challenged faith is that it cannot remain stagnant. My 'faith' is no longer a mere wealth of knowledge that my parents instilled in me through forced Sunday school, confirmation and church. It's mine. It's growing, it's alive, and it's more beautiful than ever. I can't put my faith in a box, and I'm constantly being challenged with uncomfortable ideas and thoughts - and I love that I'm okay with that. Time and time again, God continues to show me truth in the presence of my doubts.

As soon as we become comfortable, we no longer see a need to grow. When I get comfortable, I get lazy...so I'm excited that my faith is challenged. Honestly, if being comfortable in my faith means that I my faith becomes stale, I'd just rather not get comfortable.

Welcome back

Well, I'm giving this thing another shot. Sometimes I just feel the need to share what's on my mind, and though I'm not looking to publicly share my life's story, maybe something I share can impact someone else in some way. I believe in the power of God and the ways He can work, so here's to the beginning of something fun!