Who Am I?

Who Am I? 

Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

 

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

 

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, March 4,1946

Twitter

Somebody has to explain to me what is so great about Twitter. Perhaps I don't see the use in it because I don't have one of those fancy phones that possesses capabilities to allow me to fly. I've heard those kinds of phones (and the plans that go with them) make Twitter more fun.
But psychologically, why do we feel the need to let everyone (or anyone, for that matter) know what we are doing at every moment of the day? I have to laugh at myself when I catch myself thinking in terms of Facebook statuses (which, to my understanding, is basically what Twitter is). I rarely update my own Facebook status, but I'll think of what I would write if I was going to change it. For example, for whatever reason I get slightly irritated when someone, instead of stopping and holding the door for me, will give it a little extra push as if to say, "Here, let me help you by making sure the door opens really wide and swings back at you even faster." I've thought about that scenario in a Facebook status: "Sarah is irritated by people who...." Embarrassing.

But WHY do we feel compelled to share those things? What is significant about it? Sure, I can understand sharing exciting news with everyone or something along those lines, but why the "I'm getting ready for work" updates? Aren't most of us getting ready for work/school at 7am?

I don't know...I think it would make for an interesting study. For now, I'll just keep the majority of my status updates to myself, thinking in terms of "Sarah is...." without sharing it with the world :)

Watch, I'll be "tweeting" next week.

-S

I love Google.

So...I have a confession. I rarely get overly excited about consumerist mindsets, but I have developed a relationship with Google that cannot possibly be replaced. Have you ever noticed that Google does...well...everything? From a database of academic journal articles to a photo viewer/editor, from designing a house to keeping track of your medical records, Google has it all. If you have not yet discovered some of the many wonderful offerings by this ingenius group of people, I highly recommend that you do. What started as a search engine is resulting in an empire, and that empire is one in which I will partake...

And yes, if you're wondering, I'm writing this using Google's web browser, Chrome. I highly recommend it.

It's been a while...

Well it's been a while since I've shared any thoughts, and I realized this when my older brother said, "Sarah...you need to update your blog." So, here I am.

A lot has happened over the course of the last couple months. I'm excited to say that life is taking a little more direction, and I'm feeling at peace about the direction it is going. However, the logistics and all of the details surrounding that direction have kept me awake at night. Sometimes (actually, more often than not!) I wish that I could see into the future and know if everything works out. But would that really be better? Would I even be the same person if I knew what was coming? One could argue that knowing the future would ruin us completely...

On another note, second semester just started and I am thrilled about my classes. I think they will be extremely thought-provoking and, much of the time, very challenging. I anticipate a lot of theological questions, and I can't wait. I've found that the more I learn about God, the more incomprehensible He becomes. That used to scare me, but working through thoughts of doubt and questions about my faith has actually made me fall in love with my Creator even more. He's so complex and simple all at the same time. I love being part of a journey with Him!

Alright, that wasn't much but it's all for now. Until next time...

Oh those thoughts...they haunt me...

Ask my husband if I'm a deep thinker, and he'll respond with a resounding "Yes!" I often pose rhetorical questions that I want to think about but have no idea how to answer. I'm haunted by the depth and complexity of a life that cannot be explained by simple devices of measurement or textbook definitions. I'm haunted by the pain I feel in my mind when I cannot reach a conclusion about an irreconcilable situation. I'm haunted by questions about God, humanity, life, love, the past, the future...all of it. Why can't I find answers to my questions? Why is there so much ambiguity surrounding my every breath? And why, when I feel I reach some sort of end to my search, am I skeptical and look for more? I'm held captive to my brain which is imprisoned by these haunting thoughts...

I am beginning to realize a deep need to put my thoughts, speculations, and curiosities into writing. Not that I always reach any conclusion by doing so, but in some way it helps me. If I have the liberty to think freely about the questions of life, I also have the liberty to write freely about my thoughts surrounding those questions. Why not exercise my liberty to do so?

And We're Off....

Well, it's been a while since I've written on here. But let's be honest, I haven't been doing too great of a job updating this at all. I really do need to get better about that.

Life is in full swing. I'm back at school and classes are starting up next week. This transition back into the classroom is bittersweet. In some ways I'm thrilled - I thrive on knowledge and love to learn. I can hardly wait as I am taking some challenging but thought-provoking classes this fall. But in some ways I am attempting to dodge the reality that once classes start I am going to be in over my head with things to do. School, soccer, work, and then trying to find time for my husband, family and friends - I love my life and everything in it, but it's a lot to have going on all at one time.

I'm also beginning to stress over my future plans. I am strongly considering the possibility of teaching - something I never allowed myself to see as a ministry - but what area I would like to teach in has become my dilemna. I have two passions: 1) Healthy relationships (my Communication degree) and 2) Learning more about my God (my Biblical and Theological Studies minor). In looking at the possibility of graduate school next year, I have to soon choose one of these two areas to pursue for my graduate studies.

Life - it's getting busy. I was talking to my grandmother a few months ago and was telling her that time just seems to slip away. I was telling her that I keep thinking I'll have time to figure it all out later...when I have "more time"...she said, "Sarah, you're never going to have more time. You have to do what you want to do now." Wise words from a wise woman. So I guess as I look toward the beginning of yet another semester, I just need to dive in!

Joy, Joy, Joy

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Not that I don't think this much all the time, but my thinking has revolved around my future. What does my future hold? In the midst of contemplation about what is to come, I found myself thinking about what has already passed. I had a dream last night about a group of girls who had an enormous impact on who I've become. We shared a lot of laughter and tears in our times together, and the thought of missing them chokes me up. Today I couldn't shake the thought of those girls...how much they meant to me...how much they still mean to me. It was because of my experience with them that I found my passion for serving, my desire to wash the feet of others', my need to let the Lord's love ooze out of my every pore.

At first, I was sad. I was sad because it has been so long since I've been with these girls. I was sad because I know that some of them have strayed from what they know to be right. I was sad because I know that I won't ever again have with them what I did before.

But I then I was joyful. I was overwhelmed with a peace that only comes from my Creator, and I was overflowing with joy! There was a moment when I actually closed my eyes, and in the middle of my quiet office space at work, I sang praises to the Lord.

How wonderful that we can be so deeply touched by those around us. It's easy to forget the ways we are influenced by people from our past, but everything that has happened in my life, up until this very moment, has molded me into me. My today will affect who I am tomorrow. My tomorrow will affect who I am the following day. The chain will continue, with lessons to be learned, laughs to be had, and tears to spill...until the very day I die. So really, it's all but a continuous process of learning who I am and finding the ways God can continue to use me.

I don't know what the future holds. I will never know...from every day there is always an unknown future. But I'm thankful for my yesterdays - even the hard ones - and for the many tomorrows to come.